So, yesterday I decided since my son already woke me up at 6:13 this morning, I would go ahead and do the week's grocery shopping. I loaded him up, and off to Wal-Mart we go. I had high hopes that since Sarah wasn't with us, he would behave. You see Colin by himself and Sarah by herself is ok. Together, well, I'm reminded of Die Hard 3 when the guy is explaining the explosive stuff in the bombs. If you mix them together, it's bad.
Things went quite well until check-out time. I had to get him out of the basket to put the bread in where he usually sits. I'm paying for groceries when he darts out of site. I'm looking around, and I holler for him. He hollers back, from inside the locked hair salon! This hair salon has these chains across the front doors that go from the floor to the ceiling. He lifted the bottom up just enough to fit his little tail through.
I'm standing on the outside fuming, he's on the inside grinning. I yell for him to come out, and he almost does, until he realizes I can't come in and get him. This is where the fun really begins. You can see the excitement on his face. He starts making circles around the chairs yelling and giggling. At any moment I'm expecting the giant tower of shampoo to hit the floor.
I don't normally beg my children to do anything, but I was pleading with this child to come out. The destruction that this boy can create is immense. I tried walking away. You know, pretending I was going to leave him. I said "Bye Colin. I'm leaving." He says "No, mama, I coming." I stop to wait for him, turn around, and he giggles and starts making circles again.
I stopped one of the employees to ask if they had a key for the place. She says no, it is privately owned and they rent the space from Wal-Mart. I tell her about Colin and she can hardly contain herself. The more she laughs the more wound up Colin gets. He has an audience now.
I threaten him with a paddle, then with his father. Nothing is working. The nice employee then says "Colin, would you like some candy?" I'm thinking, "This is never going to work." I was wrong. Out he came.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
When I Grow Up I Want To Be A.......What!!
First of all, it feels good to be writing again. I was in a bit of a funk and it greatly affected my perception of life. Nothing was funny. Even if it was funny, I didn't see it. It seems once my mood improved I started seeing the humor in things again. Now on to my story.
Me and the kids were visiting my sisters house yesterday. I was delivering some of my moms things over there and she was entertaining the kids while I unloaded. She happened to be talking to Gracie, my 8 year old, about what she wanted to be/do when she got older.
Gracie replied, "Well, for fun I want to be an artist. To make money I want to help people to cross the street."
My sister, not knowing exactly what she was talking about, asked her to elaborate. At this point in the story I'm thinking "A crossing guard?" Not quite....
"Like if people have cramps or something in their leg, I want to help them cross the street. You know, a street walker.
Oh my dear, sweet, innocent, Gracie. I think we need to come up with a new name for your "profession."
Me and the kids were visiting my sisters house yesterday. I was delivering some of my moms things over there and she was entertaining the kids while I unloaded. She happened to be talking to Gracie, my 8 year old, about what she wanted to be/do when she got older.
Gracie replied, "Well, for fun I want to be an artist. To make money I want to help people to cross the street."
My sister, not knowing exactly what she was talking about, asked her to elaborate. At this point in the story I'm thinking "A crossing guard?" Not quite....
"Like if people have cramps or something in their leg, I want to help them cross the street. You know, a street walker.
Oh my dear, sweet, innocent, Gracie. I think we need to come up with a new name for your "profession."
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
A Hard Lesson Learned
What would that lesson be you might ask? That lesson would be, Things Not to Put in Your Pee-Hole, learned by my two year old son.
My baby boy loves to be naked (who doesn't!). This particular morning was no different. He was also carrying around a small plastic stick of some sort. It was very small in diameter, (about the size of a two year old pee-hole) and about 12 inches long. Well, he had been playing with this stick like a sword all morning, so when the diaper came off I really didn't think anything about it. Wrong on my part.
He sat in the recliner, settled in to watch Spongebob. I turned my back to walk into the kitchen when I heard an "Ow, Ow, Ow." I wheeled around at the same time thinking, "Oh, please no." Sure enough, he was examining his goods with a very hurt look on his face. Thank God there was no damage done.
I guess in little boys mind it made perfect sense. I think he may need a father-son talk.
My baby boy loves to be naked (who doesn't!). This particular morning was no different. He was also carrying around a small plastic stick of some sort. It was very small in diameter, (about the size of a two year old pee-hole) and about 12 inches long. Well, he had been playing with this stick like a sword all morning, so when the diaper came off I really didn't think anything about it. Wrong on my part.
He sat in the recliner, settled in to watch Spongebob. I turned my back to walk into the kitchen when I heard an "Ow, Ow, Ow." I wheeled around at the same time thinking, "Oh, please no." Sure enough, he was examining his goods with a very hurt look on his face. Thank God there was no damage done.
I guess in little boys mind it made perfect sense. I think he may need a father-son talk.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
For My Dear Brother-In-Law
Were you named after anyone? Amanda was a popular name in 1975. Two horrible songs in that year bear my name. Mae was after my Grandmother. At least I didn't get her first name-Bertie!
When was the last time you cried? I cry all the time.
Do you like your handwriting? Not really, too late to do anything about now.
What is your favorite lunchmeat? Roasted turkey or cajun roast beef
Do you have kids? 3 beautiful kids, 2 girls and a boy
If you were another person would you be friends with you? I would like to think so
Do you use sarcasm alot? I try at times but I'm not very good at it
Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
Would you bungee jump? Never
What is your favorite cereal? Golden Crisp
Do you untie your shoes before you take them off? Nope
Do you think you are strong? yes
What is your favorite ice cream? Pralines and Cream from Baskin Robbins
What is the first thing you notice about people? Their speech, if they don't talk, their hair. I know, it makes no sense.
Red or pink? Pink
What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I wish I were more assertive
Who do you miss the most? Among the living, Chris. My Grandmaw who is no longer with us.
What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Tan shorts and sandals
What was the last thing you ate? A few bites of leftover Hamburger Helper
What are you listening to right now? Silence, my babies are napping
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green
Favorite smells? Cinnamon rolls baking, rib eye on the grill, ok anything on the grill
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My hubby
Favorite sports to watch? Football, Go Titans!!
Hair color? Umm, dark brown every 6 weeks, naturally, almost completely gray now
Eye color? Green
Do you wear contacts? No.
Favorite food? Medium well ribeye.
Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies, except Halloween. It is my one weakness. I will not watch this movie.
Last movie you watched? I rarely ever make it through an entire movie without falling asleep. The last movie I attempted to watch was Jurassic Park.
What color shirt are you wearing? Red
Summer or winter? Summer. I HATE the cold.
Hugs or kisses? Hugs. They say a lot, they feel so good to give and to get.
Favorite dessert? Baklava, oh my Lord that stuff is good.
Most likely to respond? Didn't send it to anyone. Everyone I know has done it already
Least likely to respond? See above.
What book are you reading right now? None, I am ashamed to say
What is on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad. My husband's mouse pad has a few bills on it.
What did you watch on TV last night? The 4400. Kick ass show.
Favorite sounds? My kids saying "Momma" and "I love you", my husband laughing, also (don't laugh) the sound a 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper makes when you first open it.
Stones or Beatles? Beatles. Sorry B, I have hidden that from you for all these years.
What's the farthest you've been from home? San Antonio, TX
Do you have a special talent? Not really
Where were you born? Memphis, Tennessee
When was the last time you cried? I cry all the time.
Do you like your handwriting? Not really, too late to do anything about now.
What is your favorite lunchmeat? Roasted turkey or cajun roast beef
Do you have kids? 3 beautiful kids, 2 girls and a boy
If you were another person would you be friends with you? I would like to think so
Do you use sarcasm alot? I try at times but I'm not very good at it
Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
Would you bungee jump? Never
What is your favorite cereal? Golden Crisp
Do you untie your shoes before you take them off? Nope
Do you think you are strong? yes
What is your favorite ice cream? Pralines and Cream from Baskin Robbins
What is the first thing you notice about people? Their speech, if they don't talk, their hair. I know, it makes no sense.
Red or pink? Pink
What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I wish I were more assertive
Who do you miss the most? Among the living, Chris. My Grandmaw who is no longer with us.
What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Tan shorts and sandals
What was the last thing you ate? A few bites of leftover Hamburger Helper
What are you listening to right now? Silence, my babies are napping
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green
Favorite smells? Cinnamon rolls baking, rib eye on the grill, ok anything on the grill
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My hubby
Favorite sports to watch? Football, Go Titans!!
Hair color? Umm, dark brown every 6 weeks, naturally, almost completely gray now
Eye color? Green
Do you wear contacts? No.
Favorite food? Medium well ribeye.
Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies, except Halloween. It is my one weakness. I will not watch this movie.
Last movie you watched? I rarely ever make it through an entire movie without falling asleep. The last movie I attempted to watch was Jurassic Park.
What color shirt are you wearing? Red
Summer or winter? Summer. I HATE the cold.
Hugs or kisses? Hugs. They say a lot, they feel so good to give and to get.
Favorite dessert? Baklava, oh my Lord that stuff is good.
Most likely to respond? Didn't send it to anyone. Everyone I know has done it already
Least likely to respond? See above.
What book are you reading right now? None, I am ashamed to say
What is on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad. My husband's mouse pad has a few bills on it.
What did you watch on TV last night? The 4400. Kick ass show.
Favorite sounds? My kids saying "Momma" and "I love you", my husband laughing, also (don't laugh) the sound a 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper makes when you first open it.
Stones or Beatles? Beatles. Sorry B, I have hidden that from you for all these years.
What's the farthest you've been from home? San Antonio, TX
Do you have a special talent? Not really
Where were you born? Memphis, Tennessee
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Not Always As It Appears
My husband recently sent me to Sportsman's Warehouse to pick up a pocket holster for his pistol. I know, you are wondering why he sent me instead of going himself. It just so happens I was going to Sonic to indulge in my craving for some ice cream and Sportsman's Warehouse is right up the street. Sounds silly, but this is how things go in my house.
My husband has had one of these said pocket holsters before, so I knew what he wanted. I'm also not a complete retard where guns are concerned. I'm quite proud of this fact truth be told. So, when my knowledge about guns and "gun things" is put into question, I get a little upset.
I have gone into this store, on more than one occasion, for holsters, snap caps, gun bags, you name it. This particular time I can't seem to find his holster. I call Brandon, tell him I can't find it, and he says to ask someone. I politely tell him it isn't here, and he insists that it is. Maybe they moved them or something he said.
What seemed like a nice enough gentleman comes up and asks if he can help me find something. I tell him exactly what I want. I tell him the kind of holster and also the make and model of the gun. He looks at me sideways.
"Well, I don't see what you're looking for here. Maybe your husband should come in with the pistol."
"No.....I'm here now, and I know what I'm looking for. My husband has had one before. You guys appear to be out of them."
"I just, I just, don't see that particular one here. Are you sure that's the kind you want? Maybe your husband really should come in with the pistol."
I see where he is going with this. The look on his face, and the way he was talking let me know right quick he didn't think I knew what I was talking about. He was talking down to me, like "This is man's stuff. Run along now, and bring you husband in so we can figure out what he wants because you couldn't possibly know."
That's fine...meet me on the gun range asshole, I'll show you what I know.
My husband has had one of these said pocket holsters before, so I knew what he wanted. I'm also not a complete retard where guns are concerned. I'm quite proud of this fact truth be told. So, when my knowledge about guns and "gun things" is put into question, I get a little upset.
I have gone into this store, on more than one occasion, for holsters, snap caps, gun bags, you name it. This particular time I can't seem to find his holster. I call Brandon, tell him I can't find it, and he says to ask someone. I politely tell him it isn't here, and he insists that it is. Maybe they moved them or something he said.
What seemed like a nice enough gentleman comes up and asks if he can help me find something. I tell him exactly what I want. I tell him the kind of holster and also the make and model of the gun. He looks at me sideways.
"Well, I don't see what you're looking for here. Maybe your husband should come in with the pistol."
"No.....I'm here now, and I know what I'm looking for. My husband has had one before. You guys appear to be out of them."
"I just, I just, don't see that particular one here. Are you sure that's the kind you want? Maybe your husband really should come in with the pistol."
I see where he is going with this. The look on his face, and the way he was talking let me know right quick he didn't think I knew what I was talking about. He was talking down to me, like "This is man's stuff. Run along now, and bring you husband in so we can figure out what he wants because you couldn't possibly know."
That's fine...meet me on the gun range asshole, I'll show you what I know.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Why?
I was on my way to drop my children off at the babysitters this morning. It was a leisurely drive. I actually left in plenty of time, so I wouldn't be rushing.
I am on Airways just coming across the overpass where Kellogg's is, and a Memphis police officer comes hauling ass out of a side street with lights and sirens. I look in my rear view mirror and I'm thinking, "He just got a serious call." I politely pull over to the far right hand lane when I notice he isn't flying past me. He's getting behind me.
Holy Mary, Mother of God!!!! You have got to be kidding me. I am not believing what is happening. Normally a speeding ticket is not the end of the world, but I just got one in West Memphis not 2 months ago, and my husband got one about a month ago. Why does God hate us?
Officer Who-the Fuck-Cares comes to the window and says, "I clocked you at 48. The speed limit here is 40."
Another perfectly good day ruined by this hell-hole of a city. I have got to get out of here.
I'm sorry B.
I am on Airways just coming across the overpass where Kellogg's is, and a Memphis police officer comes hauling ass out of a side street with lights and sirens. I look in my rear view mirror and I'm thinking, "He just got a serious call." I politely pull over to the far right hand lane when I notice he isn't flying past me. He's getting behind me.
Holy Mary, Mother of God!!!! You have got to be kidding me. I am not believing what is happening. Normally a speeding ticket is not the end of the world, but I just got one in West Memphis not 2 months ago, and my husband got one about a month ago. Why does God hate us?
Officer Who-the Fuck-Cares comes to the window and says, "I clocked you at 48. The speed limit here is 40."
Another perfectly good day ruined by this hell-hole of a city. I have got to get out of here.
I'm sorry B.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I Should Know Better By Now
My husband, I know, loves me. Keep this in mind. He has, shall we say, a unique sense of humor. He will often use his humor to make me feel better.
I spoke to a woman on Friday whom I have only exchanged emails with. I was nervous about having talked to her for the first time. I expressed my concerns to my husband. I was afraid I had talked too fast or said something stupid. What if she thought our personalities were too different? What if she thought I was an idiot?
He assured me I was thinking way too much and reminded me that our personalities were different and he didn't think I was an idiot.
I said, "Yeah, but I sleep with you."
His reply....."Maybe you can sleep with her too."
I walked right into that one.
I spoke to a woman on Friday whom I have only exchanged emails with. I was nervous about having talked to her for the first time. I expressed my concerns to my husband. I was afraid I had talked too fast or said something stupid. What if she thought our personalities were too different? What if she thought I was an idiot?
He assured me I was thinking way too much and reminded me that our personalities were different and he didn't think I was an idiot.
I said, "Yeah, but I sleep with you."
His reply....."Maybe you can sleep with her too."
I walked right into that one.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Dookie Talk
Normally I wouldn't post twice in one day, but Gracie, my oldest, said something to me today. It was one of those moments you wouldn't give back for all the tea in China. I know what you are thinking...
"Oh, what sweet thing did she say that almost had you in tears?"
You forget, she has half of my husband's DNA.
"Mom, my stomach hurts. You know when you have to poop you (lots of grunting and pushing noises). Well, I sneezed when I was taking a dook and now it made my stomach hurt."
"Oh, what sweet thing did she say that almost had you in tears?"
You forget, she has half of my husband's DNA.
"Mom, my stomach hurts. You know when you have to poop you (lots of grunting and pushing noises). Well, I sneezed when I was taking a dook and now it made my stomach hurt."
The Happy Seat
So I traded vehicles with a friend of mine yesterday. She had all the kids and I just had to go to work, so she took the mini van.
Her car has, shall we say, a few miles on it. It also has somewhat of a vibration to it when you idle. Some of you (my husband) probably know where this story is going. Chris, if you are reading you may want to stop. I don't want you looking at me funny next time you visit.
Anyways, I first noticed this vibration on my way to work. I hit a few red lights and thought
"Well, this is interesting."
So after work I hop into the car and there it is again. I stop at a light and start to get a "happy" sensation.
Two hours later, after finding all the longest red lights in Memphis, I go to pick my kids up.
My friend says "Wow, you sure had to work late."
"Yeah, uh, late flight. Really long day."
"Then why are you smiling?"
Her car has, shall we say, a few miles on it. It also has somewhat of a vibration to it when you idle. Some of you (my husband) probably know where this story is going. Chris, if you are reading you may want to stop. I don't want you looking at me funny next time you visit.
Anyways, I first noticed this vibration on my way to work. I hit a few red lights and thought
"Well, this is interesting."
So after work I hop into the car and there it is again. I stop at a light and start to get a "happy" sensation.
Two hours later, after finding all the longest red lights in Memphis, I go to pick my kids up.
My friend says "Wow, you sure had to work late."
"Yeah, uh, late flight. Really long day."
"Then why are you smiling?"
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Sleep, Sex, and a Hooker
It's funny to me how men and women think differently about the same situation. My dear mother-in-law is going to keep our children overnight on Friday. This is a big deal. The following is a conversation my husband and I had on the phone regarding this especially big deal.
"I forgot to mention that Amy wants us to go out to eat on Friday. Is that ok? I didn't know if you wanted to since we weren't going to have the kids."
He says "That's fine. We can do that too."
Too? I'm thinking, what else is there? I know I'm dreaming of a wonderful night of uninterrupted sleep. I'm awakened by....
"We are going to get our freak on all night long."
Of course, how could I be so silly.
I say "I feel a headache coming."
He says "I feel a hooker coming."
"Wonderful! Can you pay her extra not to scream? I still want my uninterrupted sleep."
I wonder if I gave her an extra $50 if she would stay and fix him breakfast.
"I forgot to mention that Amy wants us to go out to eat on Friday. Is that ok? I didn't know if you wanted to since we weren't going to have the kids."
He says "That's fine. We can do that too."
Too? I'm thinking, what else is there? I know I'm dreaming of a wonderful night of uninterrupted sleep. I'm awakened by....
"We are going to get our freak on all night long."
Of course, how could I be so silly.
I say "I feel a headache coming."
He says "I feel a hooker coming."
"Wonderful! Can you pay her extra not to scream? I still want my uninterrupted sleep."
I wonder if I gave her an extra $50 if she would stay and fix him breakfast.
Monday, June 4, 2007
I Did It Myself
Well, I feel kinda special. I set this up all by myself. It may not be the best blog but I did it myself. Usually I would get my husband to help me with all the computer stuff but I decided, what the hell, I can figure this out. Since this is my very first posting I will explain "The Gerard Factor". This is a running joke between my husband and his family. Quite a few years back it seemed nothing was going right for them. There always seemed to be something going wrong. It was like a black cloud hanging over. One day while sitting around pondering this (I'm sure after an exhausting day of everything going wrong) I believe it was my dear mother-in-law who finally coined the term. So now, whenever anything goes wrong that would only happen to one of them we call it "The Gerard Factor". Say for instance, you went to change the oil in your car. Sounds simple. Well, with "The Gerard Factor" you would not only spill oil all over the garage floor, you would have gotten the wrong oil filter. Oh, you got the box that said it was your oil filter but the oil filter in the box wasn't the one that was supposed to be in there. So you drive back to Auto Zone to get the right oil filter but they are out of them. Even though not 30 minutes ago there were at least 10 of them on the shelf. So you drive to 3 more stores to find the right one. Think that's the end of the story? No siree. You get a nail stuck in the tire so now you have to change a flat tire. You think, no way. I say come stay with us a month and see. This is my life since I married a Gerard and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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