"If You're Climbing Up a Ladder, and You Feel Something Splatter......."

You know how much I love my children, right? I mean I wouldn't trade any one them for all the money in the world. Except for days like today.

I was all prepared and ready to go to my first physical therapy appointment this morning. I was actually just ready to walk out the door to take Colin next door and leave and then the most vile, nauseous, disgusting, thing to ever happen to me as a mother, happened. Wouldn't you know it was Colin.

Rewind about 10 minutes. He is fussing and whining about his stomach. He hasn't felt up to par the past couple of days and I thought he was better but he had this "look" about him. Call it a mother's intuition, but I knew something was happening and he wasn't quite right. Sure enough, I sat him down and he blasted a truly man-sized explosion into the toilet. All better. Or so I thought.

The vile part? Hahahahahaha! I wish.

I called my neighbor, called the physical therapy people, and rescheduled, because I knew my neighbor didn't want any part of a stomach bug. I settled down for a mid-morning snack and he was on the computer. He comes into the den with "that look" again and I tell him to quickly get to the bathroom. Again with this "thinking " thing I'm doing...........I thought he was ok.

He toddles out of the bathroom, underwear around his ankles, and says he pooped on the floor. Great. Not the first time this has happened. Not pleasant, but not the end of the world.

What I walked into can only be described as the anti-Christ in liquid poop form. That child had splatted all over the back of the toilet, onto the cabinet beside the toilet, on the effing wall behind the toilet, and of course, all on the floor in the little 8 inch gap between the toilet and the cabinet.

How in the Hell did he manage that? I was truly flabbergasted. I bathed him and proceeded to clean up the mess. I sprayed so much pine-sol I think I have permanently damaged my esophagus from the fumes.

Alright, back to normal.

Nope, not a chance.

He did it again. Twenty minutes later.

I mean the exact spray pattern as before. It was then I figured out how he did it. He likes to squat over the toilet. Like, if you are squatting in the grass. He does this on the toilet. I have seen this. I have caught him sitting up there, perched like a little bird. Up until now, aim has not been a problem. It basically drops right in. Given that he had, oh I would say, about ten pounds of pressure behind this one, well, hence my story.