Maybe This Time

A friend of mine called yesterday to chat and toward the end of the conversation she said she had been meaning to ask me something. She wanted to know if I wanted to start exercising with her. Maybe a walk or two a week or possibly join a gym with her. She said that she thinks if she has someone to be accountable to that she would do better. It was very strange she called and asked because I had been thinking the exact same thing but didn't know how to approach the subject.

I have battled my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember back in high school thinking I was huge because the girls I was surrounded with were no bigger than my 10 year old sister at the time. I had a distorted view of myself. I have always had an athletic build, and curves. The girls I went to high school with were sticks. No figures, no legs, no boobs. Ok, they actually had legs, but they were little bitty tiny legs. Most of high school I believe I was about a size 10. Although that isn't bad by any means, I was comparing that to the size 2 that it seemed everyone else was.

I have tried in vain over the years to lose the weight. I was actually somewhat successful last year. I lost about 30 pounds. It was the thinnest I had been in over 10 years. I was exercising every day, drinking lots of water, eating right. Then I got sick. I got really sick. I had to stop exercising and ended up having surgery. I did lose another 10 pounds from being sick but I felt like shit. It took a long time to recover from the surgery and during that time I gained every single pound back.

I have found I am an emotional eater. I get depressed, I eat. I also was raised in a family where eating was a big deal. My mom or dad cooked every single night and it was good. I was taught a great appreciation for a good meal. My parents have both struggled with weight and I was never taught good eating habits. I am an adult now and make my own decisions of course, I don't blame them.

I have never been made fun of because of my weight. I put on the majority of my weight after high school. Adults tend to be more discreet if they are going to make fun of you. My husband, God bless him, tells me every day how beautiful I am and he loves me. Not that I would want him telling me I look like a cow. I ask him a lot, "Wouldn't you rather me look like so and so?" He just smiles that very familiar smile I have grown to love, puts his arms tightly around me and says "I love you the way you are Fuzzy." I'll have to explain "Fuzzy" another time :)

Anyways, maybe, just maybe, if I have an "appointment" with my friend to go work out or to go walk I will stick with it. I have told her to call me and ask me what I had to eat, am I drinking my water, things like that. It will take a true and honest friend to go through this with me. I am holding her accountable as well. She said I have permission to call her, tell her to get her lazy ass out of the bed and come do something. Her words, not mine. If a call doesn't work, I get to go to her house and shove her out of bed.

You know posting about this is hard for me. I have tried and failed many times. I have never "gone public" with it. It is obvious I need to lose weight but somehow I guess I think if I don't say it out loud it isn't so bad. So each time I fail, I fail silently. Each time going back to the eating, back to hating shopping for clothes, hating that I have failed once again. I wonder if it is ever possible.

I end this now a little depressed but also with a glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe I can figure out a way to make it work this time. Hope that maybe I can post once a week with a small update as to how it is going. Maybe if I can post good progress I will be more motivated to stick with it. Maybe if I post the bad it will be a way to let it out, let it go, and move on to tomorrow.